A recent blog post about the word skeptical got me thinking about recent events. I think I like curious better as a word choice when seeking to find the truth in a situation. Skeptical has a somewhat negative connotation for me that somehow you are not telling the truth. Curious or seeking alignment has a more positive image for me of truly seeking to understand and not coming from a place of judgment.
Symbols have a long history in language development and we know that usage can be positive symbols for some and negative for others. The longer we live the more we filter all our experiences though these choices and the stronger the emotion around the words. When I’m validating AVAs now, I spend the time to define up front what the words mean to the other person so we meet on that common ground. Otherwise I interpret their answer and the meaning of the words more through my own lens and context of the word.
The lack of sincere questioning is what often leads to mis-communication and the perception among parties that someone is not telling the “truth.” To use my example if I enter that questioning phase as a skeptic, I believe the other person is not telling the truth and I might be seeking to simply validate what I believe to be truth – justifying my position. Or I can seek a deeper understanding by being curious about what they said and genuinely wanting to know more before I make any further decisions or judgments.
Powerful questions help to develop the communication further. If you are like me, the first question you ask is just what is a powerful question. I’m finding that whenever I don’t quite know where the issue is or where the needs are these help me:
- “tell me more”
- “could you expand on that”
- “how interesting, I’d love to hear more”
- “what is important about that to you”
Then listen. Ask it again or continue to clarify until you believe there is understanding between the two of what is meant. This is especially important for those loaded words we all seem to carry around, ready and armed to do battle at the very first utterance of them! You still may not agree though at least the other person’s “truth” is more detailed and nuanced to allow for some forward motion to occur or for the parties to part. The path to clarity for me is in the above and the more I purposefully include them in my actions the better the outcomes.
In practical terms, one of the things we’ve been talking about lately is that buyers and sellers are only going to close if both sides are willing participants. If for some reason they decide not to continue there is very little we can do to truly enforce our contracts so it’s a matter of expectation setting for the parties to ensure they can remain motivated. Because truth has so many sides and components to it there is this Solomon like place we need to sit and determine how to move forward within the various truths – not to decide what is truth since that is simply a perception.
As our world becomes smaller and languages and cultures collide and intermingle, the “truth” as we have always known it to be is morphing and our ability as agents will be tested by how well we can navigate among the parties and their truths.
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